Day 19 Confusion

Tears streaming down my face as I struggle with what to say, how to express the confusion in my mind, the clarity in my heart. How does one say ’I love you’ while unable to commit, how does one say ‘you mean the world to me’ when we’re in separate worlds, how does one say ‘you’ve taken my life from bearable to meaningful’ when I have yet to decipher its meaning?

How do I embrace these tumultuous feelings, knowing full well their potential to hurt, to harm? How could I not? Why would I deny myself the exhilaration of love found and a deeper connection, just as I have vowed never to put myself in a place of ‘making do’, of ‘good enough’. How could I stop expecting any more for fear of being disappointed, of being hurt…again? What is worse than being ambivalent? For therein lies the absence of passion, of hope and dreams – there I will begin to die.

So do I meet this unknown with arms wide open, no safety net – trusting that life will take care of itself? To accept ‘come what may’? That no matter happens, I would be happy knowing I have tried. That like Maya Angelou said, “to have enough courage to trust love one more time, always one more time”. Can I sit with the uncertainty? Am I brave enough?

Good ole reliable conventional me, playing by the rules – rules enforced to maintain the power of the powerful. They are not for me… for they had left me powerless, ashamed, guilty, doubting, scared. Never again! Yet how do I maintain my identity, my sense of self this time? Is this what faith is all about? And have I loved myself enough to truly love another? To stand next to another, to walk beside another… without giving away parts of myself to comfort, to lift up. For this I do not believe I could endure…losing myself again.

So in this state of flux I stand still, gathering myself for the inevitable…my holding pattern I call it as rational me assesses the damage most material, the logistics of loving. I have survived life’s betrayals and have grown. I have known that dark place and choose not to return. How does one be faithless yet trustworthy? How does one be true of oneself without disappointing another? How does one avoid being in this state of waiting forever? What does it take to realise my heart’s longing?

Dare I stand tall in the centre of the fire, unflinching? If given a chance, will I dance?

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