Good friends or BFF?

Postaday – On Bees and Efs

I have friends or good friends, but never a BFF  – at least not one that resides solely in one person.  In fact it is difficult for me to imagine any one person who could embody all aspects of what a ‘friend’ is, through the ages, through the moments and life events, who could appreciate who I am and accept without judgment what I do at all times, through all the changes in my life.

Do we have a right to expect this of anyone?  Should negative  judgment attach to anyone who is unable to fulfill this ‘job description’?  I think not.

I have a close group of friends, who perhaps collectively knows everything there is to know about me (except for that part of me which I hold close – my secret life to which no one knows).  Collectively, we share moments of hilarity and tears, we support each other through our pain and loss, we celebrate our lives.. and we speak of everyday mundane moments.  We have created shared history which is a bedrock for the friendship years to come.

Yet each of them would know more than enough of me to be a very dear friend.  Each of them would know one or more aspects of me in greater depth than the others.  This phenomenon was not an intentional act to conceal parts of me from a friend.  It is just that there is a friend with whom I am more comfortable confiding about the intricacies of my relationships, another with whom I share the highs and lows of my career, the other I speak to of the fears and hopes of parenting.  Not any one is less important, not any one is less significant.

BFF means Best Friend Forever.  Best friend – she who is somehow the best of the lot.  Can you fathom that? I would not wish to pick, among my friends, who is best.

I have a fine group of women as friends who have stood by me, who have seen me through thick and thin, who have gently admonished me , picked me up, cheered me on, shared space with me in silence, kept me grounded.

I am blessed!

Me, Myself and I

Postaday – Can’t Stand Me

Can’t stand me… never been there.

I’d like to say that I am totally confident and have no body image issue but that would be a lie.  It would also be a lie for me to say that I love my face, my body, my voice… absolutely.  But I have, so I’d like to believe, a healthy appreciation for what I have and have not.  Most of the time, I’m more than OK with a video or audio recording of myself.

The times when I am not OK are when the video recordings are contrived that is, when I was obliged to ‘pose’.   If it was candid, I get to see and re-visit the captured moment be they sad or happy moments.  Memories are important… they are connections.  And whatever my expression was and how I looked,  they represent a part of me that I do not regret.

I don’t recall a time when I had cringed at my recorded voice.  I remember analyzing it for tone and pitch, but never to be harsh and critical. It doesn’t mean I don’t hear the flaw in the timbre of my voice (I used to sing so I recognize this), or the weakness in the pitch, the hesitation in the delivery.  But I am OK with this less than perfect human being, moi.  I think it is what makes us ‘textured’ and interesting.   Perfection can be boring sometimes, right?  🙂

And as I am writing this and reading it back to myself, I must acknowledge that I have been nurtured to not mind my body, to not mind what others say of physical and vocal standards nor to compare myself, to appreciate and accept me for all that I am.  A thought – perhaps I am a performer…perhaps I am not the shy person I believe myself to be…perhaps I am more confident than I think I am.

How’s that for a revelation!


Picture in my mind

Postaday – Frame of Mind

A willowy woman of small stature sitting atop a mountain with a straight back, her legs crossed and her hands resting on her knee, palms up.  Dressed in black yoga pants and a white mid-riff top, her long jet black hair is being blown by the gentle breeze, not too strong to disturb her repose and yet strong enough to whip her hair into disarray.  She is facing her gaze, and around her is turbulence – the ominous tornado swirling in the distant.  With her eyes closed, her face reveals a calm in stark contrast. Her posture in silent resistance to the impending storm, engendering a welcoming stillness.  The soft set of her mouth belies the certainty that all is well.

The mountain top on which she sits is rocky, with tufts of grass weed brown and weary interspersed, not a soft space to be seen. Nowhere to lay down, to curl up to rest.  In the distance, there is the dark shadow of more peaks, more challenges.

Harsh and forbidding, the grey landscape is nevertheless familiar. In that familiarity is the feeling of safety and security, for she knows she can, as she had before, withstand the tornado arriving.  For it too will depart, leaving her yet again resolute, stronger in the knowledge of greater overcoming.

A painting of black hues…


Birthday for an introvert

Postaday – It’s your Party

Birthday is a time for reflection.  An introvert like moi would like to spend most of that day alone.  Except for the morning ritual when my family showers me with gifts and breakfast in bed, those moments I savour.  The likelihood of intimate dinner with close family members may be unavoidable as they wish to wish me well.   Not being reclusive (though that sounds enticing at times!), it’s part and parcel of the many roles I have.  Please don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciate everyone’s kind gestures and well-wishing.

Yet until and unless I get the opportunity to take myself to a quiet place so I can re-energize and ponder my past year, that day is not done…as I would like it too.  And it being my birthday, my wish comes first! 🙂   Some things I’ve reflected in that solitary space includes,

  1. What did I do successfully and why?
  2. What  did not work and why?
  3. What have I lost?
  4. What have I gained?
  5. Whether I have traveled this past year with grace?  Or ill-will?  How so?
  6. Who am I becoming?
  7. What will the future hold if I keep going as before?
  8. What will the future hold if I choose to embrace whichever changes occur
  9. Am I i willing to pay the price for the change?  What?
  10. How will I live each day with joy and without regret?

OK, it’s not as serious as the questions above may suggest.  I just take stock of my life…  I figure if one is expected to take a physical health check every 12 months (at least it is at my age) then the ‘check’ above would seem reasonable for my mental and psychological health.

Parties generally don’t do it for me. I am physiologically intolerant to alcohol so the idea of collapsing in a heap after two drinks is unappealing.  Food I love, but I probably would not go through the hassle of having a party when I could have food any other time.  The company of family and good friends – now this would compel me to have a party if we don’t see each other often but we do, so not much incentive there.  I prefer small group or one-on-one time with them where I am able to better connect and communicate. I did say I am an introvert, right?

So where do I go?  Somewhere where nothing is likely to intrude on my time and space.   To have no demands on my time, it is a treat indeed.  I celebrate my life as I see fit!

And when I’m ready, I will emerge from my ‘cave’ ready for whatever life throws at me! 🙂


Wrong turn into a magical place

Postaday – Wrong Turns


The last time I got lost, I ended up in a a magical place.  Magical but no less threatening.  The people I encountered were highly intelligent – totally comfortable discussing the merits of poetry to the latest scientific invention to astronomical  studies. There was an essence about them, their interactions which I couldn’t name.  But then, I wasn’t too concern – I was ultimately in a foreign land.

It was there that I met Matthew – a sophisticated man with intricate taste in food and wine.  The same goes for his choice of music.  We spent hours discussing books and music, his lifestyle and mine.  His is beyond compare – the jet-setting and most importantly his access to the many places closed to us humble folks.  And if you think I’m gushing over him, well I am.  I think I half fell in love with him. 🙂

Then there is Diana.  What can I say – a woman of substance, also with many fears which were somehow hidden by her many talents, that is until you know her better.  Which I got to do over the short period of time I was there.  Her resilience through the many trials in her life is to be respected. I can’t find a stronger woman, I don’t think.

The many friends around Matt and Di loved and respected them, at varying degrees.   Most importantly, their bonds were strong.  Their friendships forged by some pretty harsh times they have encountered together.

Anyway, I found my way back after spending hours with them, exploring their world and I hope, bringing with me a little of their passion to protect the world they live in. Highly commendable, don’t you think?

I was interrupted from ‘Shadow of Night’ by the raucous laughter of the young persons in my life, only to realise that I had somehow been lost for several hours, in the pages of this mesmerizing book by Deborah Harkness.


Martial arts and fear

Postaday – Back of the Queue

Martial arts – that’s what I have always wanted to do, or specifically, Ju-Jitsu.  Why? Probably the association with self-protection, strength and for a young girl to be that – I got such a mental kick out of it.  The feminist ‘me’ also reveled in the fantasy.

So I went to class (in my early teens) only to discover that my romantic idea of being a martial  arts practitioner hurts literally, and it required lots of hard work.  I crawled out of my second session and never went back.

What’s keeping me away?  Fear of pain… I know it’s probably not as bad as my memory suggests, and I am an adult that could handle it better.  But… what if I don’t and I turn out looking like a fool? A total unfit older woman … looking like a fool.

Perhaps I should try tai-chi instead, it’s a form of martial arts but without the physical contact? Or Qigong…   That’s why I’m practising Yoga – does this sound oh so serious, ‘practising yoga’?  I go through a series of poses using the proper breathing – that’s it.  Candidly speaking, I do not enjoy aerobic exercises, and yoga is probably the most I’ll ever get to in terms of “huffing and puffing” my way through life. Fear of pain – same deal!  And no amount of motivation (the fact that I could look like a super model, maybe) is likely to get me past it… but never say never.

And even if I should have a bucket list, this is so not getting on it because there is a high probability it will be unfulfilled. 🙂